Good Quotes Now:
Short Funny Quotes
- I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
- If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Vodka is tasteless going down, but it is memorable coming up.
- Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
- What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
- A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
- You don't know a women till you've met her in court.
- We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.
- Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.
- The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.
- Every survival kit should include a sense of humor.
- Humour is the weapon of unarmed people: it helps people who are oppressed to smile at the situation that pains them.
- Humor is the absence of terror, and terror the absence of humor.
- Humor is a universal language.
- Humour is that which most efficiently recognizes that we are living in an imperfect world, with imperfect arguments and things that are insane, illogical, and irrational. And the only way we can live with that fact is to laugh
- Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
- A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs - jolted by every pebble in the road.
- Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully.
- I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true.
- Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
- If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
- If black boxes survive air crashes – why don’t they make the whole plane out of the stuff.
- Nobody goes there anymore...it's too crowded.
- When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
- Coffee isn't my cup of tea.
- I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
- I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
- I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
- If you don't know where you are going, you'll end up some place else.
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